Panic Central

[Author's Note: I don't know that you'd call this an essay. More like social commentary?]

Panic Central

Biff: Let's check in with Myra Cringe, out on the roadways. Myra, what are conditions like out there?

Myra: Biff, I'm standing by the highway and, as you can see, there's a thin layer of civility that's wearing away to some treacherous black iciness underneath.

Biff: And how's the traffic?

Myra: Traffic is moving along at a standstill, Biff. This is Myra Cringe, StressWatch 7 News.

Biff: Thanks, Myra. Chuck Dire is standing by in a local supermarket. Chuck, what's the outlook there?

Chuck: It's not good, Biff. I spoke with the manager only a few minutes ago, and he says they're expecting an accumulation of at least 6 to 7 shoppers per register over the next few hours. Possibly worse.

Biff: Sounds like they're really getting walloped.

Chuck: They really are. He doesn't expect it to let up all night.

Biff: Any advice for our viewers, Chuck?

Chuck: Biff, they're asking people to really make sure they have everything they need to get along for the next few weeks. I mean, if you even need something as seemingly trivial as a jar of olives, you should get to your local market immediately. The folks here are doing everything they can to max their per-hour revenue, and I think everyone should pitch in and help.

Biff: Good advice, Chuck. We now have a live interview with some folks displaced by tonight's panic. Marjorie Grimm, are you there?

Marjorie: Biff, I'm at the local high school gymnasium where people have sought shelter from the conditions tonight. Ma'am, can you tell us what it was like for you?

Woman at shelter: Well, at first, it wasn't so bad. You know, I said to my husband, I think we can ride this out. But then, the sound outside – you wouldn't believe it. I never heard such a thing before, and I lived here all my life. Then, I don't know why, I couldn't stand just sitting there waiting, and I jumped up and opened the front door.

Marjorie: And what did you see?

Woman at shelter [gulps, fights back tears]: It was just – just wave after wave of reporters. They were everywhere, with their cameras and microphones. And I – I couldn't move. I just stood there, frozen. And then, my husband – he, he jumped up and grabbed me back from the door and slammed it. But then, they hit the house and the door was banging, and he grabbed me and I grabbed the kids and we just ran.

Marjorie: And now what are you feeling?

Woman at shelter: I just pray we have a home to go back to.

Marjorie: Thank you. This is Marjorie Grimm, NewsAngst 5. Back to you, Biff.

Biff: Thank you, Marjorie. A tragic story being echoed all over the 50-state area.

We now have some new guidelines from the Center for Composure Control that we want to pass along to our viewers. First, you should be careful not to eat anything that comes in any sort of package. Second, be sure to dice and irradiate anything you do eat. And finally, always boil your hands both before and after touching any food. Hopefully, these simple instructions may save some lives.

We're now being told that tonight's situation is sizing up to be a Category 5 emergency. Here to tell us what that means is Clancy Monger, station manager here at Panic Central.

Clancy: Thanks, Biff. Well, in layman's terms, a Category 5 is when even the worst and least interesting commercials become important and profitable programming during the breaks in our newscast, because we're confident that viewers will be glued to their TVs.

Biff: I see. And isn't this part of a bigger phenomenon?

Clancy: You're right, Biff. This Category 5 is just a secondary effect of the much larger "El Dinero" phenomenon. El Dinero is an observed correlation between local TV station ad revenues and disaster-type reporting.

Biff: And that's just what we're seeing tonight.

Clancy: You're right, Biff. This is a classic El Dinero scenario.

Biff: Thanks, Clancy. Stay with DreadWatch 4 all through the night for more on this ongoing and, indeed, never-ending situation. After the break, predictions of a potentially deadly outbreak of killer ladybugs, heading directly our way.